If You Had Not Happened To Me

Where did we go wrong, friend? When did we change? The landscape of our friendship is so alien to me now. Unfamiliar. Foreign. Was it me? Did I give up on you? Or did I give you reason to give up on me? When did you stop trying so hard? Why? Did you replace me? Do you miss me? All the good times we had?

I know the answers to this problem are more complicated than either of us know. And I know neither of us really want to admit fault. But what if we did? What if we laid it all out on the table. Why we stopped trusting in one another. Why we stopped texting, calling, talking. How we felt when the other person just... moved on. What it felt like when we realized we missed the other person... if we ever did at all. When it hit us that we stopped thinking about each other altogether.

I'm sure you didn't mean to stop caring. I'm sure along the way, you didn't mean to lose the love and trust and care we gave one another.
But does any of that still exist? Does it matter? Do I matter? I get that we got older, but shouldn't that make friendships deeper? You helped make me who I am, so why would it be so hard to be around when I finally figured that out? Why is it so... hard? So complicated? I wish I could go back and tell myself how much you meant to me, but would I believe me if I told myself one day all of this would go away?

So I guess here we are. Or aren't. Two people who shared experiences, lives, loves and losses, joys and pains, but somehow... severed from one another. I wonder if you think about how I affected you. I wonder if I do, too. But the truth is, I just wish that one day, we can sit down and talk it out. We probably never will. You'll probably never think twice about me again. And it's okay, really. We've moved on. We grew up. Reality intertwined itself into the fabric of the fantasy we lived in, and it took up the space between us. Such is the way of the world.

But know this; I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. I wouldn't give up my experiences with you. I wouldn't want to lose those memories. Because even though the memories that once were so sweet and serene are now tinged with melancholy nostalgia, I know that I love you, no matter how far away our lives take us from one another. And I know this because it still aches to think of you. It still stings when something I do or say or hear reminds me of you. And I know that even if it's just me that feels this way, what we experienced was real. It happened, and I was happier and better and stronger for it. Your memory lives on in my heart, where I still keep that part of you you shared with me. I'm never going to forget you. You changed so much of who I became. And after all, who would I be if you hadn't happened to me?

There is Light

     I'm not going to lie, 2016 has been one of the most challenging years of my life, and mental health problems only made it worse. I have felt so very alone and lost in the dark unsure of where my future is headed, and if I've earned the love of those around me. I have felt like I am falling behind and have failed in so many things.
     However, I want you all to know that despite hard times, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, however far away that seems. Bad days, weeks, months, and yes, even years, come to an end. The Lord has taught me more about my weaknesses in myself, and how much this gospel means to me. I have been led to rely so heavily on him, even when I can't tell why something is happening, or indeed, why it isn't.
     The Lord's thoughts are higher than our thoughts, He knows the bigger plan, there is a purpose to every trial. I know if we just hold on a little longer, He has so many blessings He is willing to send our way. Even despite horrible times, I still feel so blessed at what the Lord has already given me, including a patient and loving husband I miss every day he leaves to go to work, and a family full of sisters who will back my every step.
     Things do get better, they do! While oftentimes it can feel we are alone, the Lord will never leave us comfortless for too long. He is always there, even when it doesn't always feel that way. He is mindful of us and loves us so very much in ways we can't even comprehend. I doubt I would have made it this year without knowing of my Heavenly Father's love for me and knowing that everything that happens in my life is His way of molding me into the glorious being I was destined to become. "You see, we are like blocks of stone... out of which the sculptor carves the forms of men. The blows of His chisel, which hurt us so much, are what make us perfect." I love my Savior and His Gospel. Trust in Him. Everything will turn out alright as we do, I know it.
     That's a promise.